Transformed

I'm sitting here, in an office. Work clicking all around me and the buzz of voices behind closed doors. I've been a part of this. It's exciting being a part of something so much bigger than my little self. My days these last months devoted to family and development. Developing something that stirs a passion deep within.

I didn't know I had this passion. Now that I'm in the whirl of development I can look back at the lighted steps that lead to this moment. A moment sitting behind a camera offering my heart, encouragement to homeschool families with high school students. I'm shocked as my passion stirs me to speak. Shocked at the overwhelming emotion stirred in my heart and welling in my eyes as I share incredible encounters with everyday families, incredible because God met us there and we were changed.

My eyes well even now. It is overwhelming to be cradled in a place of God's planning.

I had a plan for my days. I wrote it out even drew a map of my roadways and told God what I'd use to travel on them. He sent tidal waves and I'd shake my fist thinking, "don't you know it would work so well if you'd do it my way". As I type this I shake my head at my own precociousness. I wonder that I wonder where my own children get it from.

How did I get from handmade roads to walking a divine creators will?

One day I got tired of building. Maybe my newest construction, in it's infancy, had been demolished one too many times. Too tired to start again I finally yielded to the expert. Maybe watching my progeny use my building methods opened my eyes to the state of my own affairs. Either way I asked to be transformed. I made it 2011's pursuit, The Year of Transformation. I became intentional in acquiring transformation.

It's funny when you become intentional by letting go. I let go of every pre-planned goal. I put aside my Performace Planner.  I would listen and be led. How can I be transformed if I don't listen to the one who brings about the  transformation? I feared my silence. It left me alone and I feared I'd find myself lonely.

At first it made me restless.
I needed something to do....
what to do...
on my knees hands clasped I began to beg...please God just give me  something to do.

He asked me to stop being by my doing.
Would I let him do and just be a set of hands here and walk to that man there?
Drive your Daddy to Chemo  treatment on this day?
Bless children of the Dominican Republic in this way?
Maybe, dear girl, would you just give up your house and move?
Are you willing to deeply love and train your children?
Love and be led by that man  I sent you?
Then, my daughter, would you just smile at the wind and bask in my prescence?
Could you just go  on your knees and  be, with  Me, JUST BE?

And it has been so hard.

Lord you are so often like the wind. I want you in flesh, I want to grab hold of you but you are uncatchable. Unless I stop my plans, breath deep the moment I am in and see with your eyes the real and tangible world and how you are reachable in all the moments, faces, smiles, sunsets, hard days and broken moments. Yes, especially in the broken moments, here I find you so real and reachable.

So, I look back at this transformation and I know it is only the beginning, but a Year of Transformation it has been and I say a cheery "hullo" to this new year already grateful for every day it holds.

Counting in 2012:
1091.
A shopping day with my oldest and Gamaw.

1093.
An early morning quiet time and one by one the entire Party of 5! joins me with their Bibles and devotionals.

1094.
Being married to a guy that loves to watch "Lark Rise to Candleford"

1096.
First sight in the a.m. being my sweet boys face with a big kiss on the cheek.

1099.
How he laughs at my vision of a tiny house and tells me that's he loves that fun crazy side of me.

Bubbling Joy

The Lord, has provided, not just my physical needs but emotionally.  I decided to wait on him and found at ever step, he has provided every little bit I need. Every physical and emotional need to get me through this task, at this moment, on this given day. It has restored rapture to my heart and we dine again with glee.

Somehow.

No, Christ-is-How.

We have been thrust into hard stuff and we have found delight in our moment by moment journey.

Lord, You are God.

In my life I have made things happen and done the things I said I was going to do. But, it was forced and it was of me. Lifeless. Only the giver of life can bubble joy in the midst of chaos. He spoke order into chaos, but how dense am I that I miss this little tidbit. I declare myself a demi-god and believe with enough work, enough effort, a can-do attitude I can "get 'er done". A lot of times I do but the skies turn gray because I'm no god. When I step into my place, be the girl creation. Bask in my creator's presence. In those moments, he puts the stars in order, aligns the planets and produces a little yellow house for us to call home.

All the while my heart is placed in his hands. I have to slap my own each time I reach to take it back. At this moment it's resting so securely that it begins to rest. I take deeper calming breaths and they bubble up as belly laughter. Soothing to those around me and my very presence becomes one of peace. My heart screams, "Folks, it's not me, just a side affect of a loving creator!".

He loves you too.  Put your heart in his hands and find peace today.


Counting today:

Peace amongst the cardboard and vacant spaces

Friends who'll help me sell my possessions at a Flea Market

Children with eyes changed and they part with their possessions as well

Learning to be me and only care what my God thinks of  her

Phone calls from Minnesota and a silly box brought her joy

Folks who get what we're up to and encourage us to press on

How to Drive a Stake Part 1

In days of B.C. (before children) The Man would jokingly say that each child birthed would receive a pick axe and a shovel as their welcome into this world. To this day when they begin the incessant questions about birthday gifts this is his go to response. It drives the kids crazy. I just laugh.

There are tools my children really need. Some of these tools I'm just now learning to wield.

When we hurled ourselves into the whole 'spearhead your child's education' thing I felt lost. I researched the bazillion books and conventions, blogs and websites that offer insight. Frustration ran deep as the more insight I researched the more questions I had.

Answers started coming with my first read by John Taylor Gatto. I felt misgivings about the education I'd received. I partook of a 'Top Notch' education including private schools, an Advanced Diploma from a top rated high school and several years in a prestigious private college. But, I still felt the education I'd received left much to be desired. To me it seemed I received pieces of paper (diplomas) almost just for showing up. Gatto put all my thoughts and concerns in black and white and stamped them as valid.

While Gatto called out today's educational system and exposed its rotting foundation, I found in Oliver De Mille's writings hope and a game plan I could implement in my children's education.

He describes three major types of schooling:

Conveyor Belt

Professional 

Leadership 

To be truthful the United States education system is filling two types well. The Man and I have been trained by the school system in Conveyor Belt and Professional. We have been told how to think, what to think and when.

Don't believe me then get a hold of this video on textbook writers:

 Fox News Reporting, "Do You Know What Textbooks Your Children Are Really Reading?"

 

You can watch a bit of the video here (segment 2):
(check out Youtube to view other segments)


Education woes in the U.S. are due in part to it's missing group, the one education model that has been sorely neglected, Leadership Education. (The neglect has been purposeful but that's a post for another day, or start the research on your own with Gatto's book The Underground History of American Education or start reading at his website).

Leadership education in America is nearly extinct. This model of learning's primary purpose is teaching how to think. It prepares one to lead. Lead in their homes, towns, businesses. Become Entrepreneurs, Problem Solvers, people who instinctively know the right thing to do and have the ability to follow it through to completion, doing it well.

At the heart of Leadership Education is Freedom:

...leadership preparation, which has three primary goals. First, its purpose is to train thinkers, leaders, entrepreneurs and statesmen--individuals with the character, competence and capacity to do the right thing and do it well in business, government, church, school, family, entertainment, research and other organizations.

The second goal is to perpetuate freedom, to prepare people who know what freedom is, what is required to maintain it, and who exert the will to do what is required. These two goals are accomplished by the third: teaching students how to think. Those who know how to think are able to lead effectively and are able to help society remain free and prosperous. Those who know only what to think or when, no matter how valuable their contributions to society, are not capable of maintaining freedom or leading us to real progress without additional leadership skills.

~A Thomas Jefferson Education By Oliver De Mille

It is Leadership Education that creates great businessmen, statesmen in government and it built this Republic we call home. This is how Thomas Jefferson and our founding fathers were educated. This is the education I want for my children.

Having an education background in the models of Conveyor Belt and Professional I find training Leaders a sort of dual enrollment. I learn right alongside my students. I cannot instruct my children in the ways to drive a stake through the vampire of the American Dream if they do not know how to think for themselves.

Understanding education, the different models, and how they groom people to specific purposes is the first step in educating my children to live a Radical life. It is a tool I give them and side by side we are learning to wield it.

A Wallflower for Mother's Day

This Mother's Day I get to be celebrated in my most favorite way. I will be taking a back seat, standing in the corner, holding up a wall while all eyes are on The Boy, my only boy.

My long history of people pleasing has left Mother's day, a day where my investments are meant to be celebrated, feeling like a boxing match inside my heart. I don't know how to rest and I don't know how to be celebrated. I like to quietly do my thing and then stand in the corner and watch how it affects those for whom it was intended.

I like to educate my children and stand back and watch as they run with their new found knowledge. I love to plan the party, create beauty and offer it up as a sacrifice of joy for you to enjoy. But, please, I beg, just let me sit quietly on the sidelines and bask in the glow of your joy. I like to write quiet notes, uplifting words and offer them as gifts to my intended. My heart explodes with jubilation when I see you have a need and I meet it before you even realize it.

It is because of this struggle to be celebrated when I want to be the wallflower and this natural bent to do for others in my bizarre sideline manner, linked with my unhealthy method of pleasing people that makes Mother's Day such an internal battle. On Mother's Day I want to lay on the couch and fall asleep. Yes, wake me when it's over.

This year The Boy celebrates his birthday on Mother's Day, born on a Mother's Day. I loved it. In a small room I went to work. My stomach hardened with contracting pain, and with The Man and my Mom at my side, I pushed him into the world. What a glorious day. As he drew breathe, preparation to announce his arrival, screaming into the room, all eyes turned to him. Exactly the way I'd have it. Visitors came. All who entered the room making quick eye contact and then beginning the scan, the search for the newborn, making steps toward him, drawn to his new life.

Each year, as I age and mature, I embrace this sideline, wallflower heart. I thank the Lord for this trait. I hold it close and develop it. I ask him to continue me on this road. This road, where I am used as hands to meet the need, offer the gift of the party, write words to soothe a heart. My prayer for you, The Receiver;  As you scan the room and we make eye contact, toss me a smile but continue your scan. If you do you will find him, waiting with open arms to embrace you. And as you are held, you'll again catch my eye. I will be in my favorite place, sitting on the sideline basking in your joy, celebrating the delight of seeing you in the arms of our Heavenly Father.

He said, "Don't be afraid. I know you're looking for Jesus the Nazarene, the One they nailed on the cross. He's been raised up; he's here no longer. You can see for  yourselves that the place is empty.  Now -- on your way. "      The Message Mark 16:6-7

I am wishing you a very Happy Mother's Day!

Dark to Light

Here it is all celebration save one event. There is one area where we hold back, one area where we stand in darkness anticipating light. I breath shallow in expectation.

We made an Alleluia banner. Alleluia, it's the song of heaven. It's been nearly 40 days since we took that song and buried it. It lies on the front table beneath a cloak of black. Its stand awaiting the resurrection, awaiting Easter morn. The symbolism pierces deeply. A black scar in the springtime decor. It mars.

40 days walking past, mourning its absence, the beauty of the song. Mourning because it's loveliness, it lies there buried black, while the bounty of spring burst forth across our world.  I have walked these 40 Days my heart longing to know him better, for sight to SEE the sacrifice.

I grew up in the church. It has always been there, the egg hunts and colorful dresses, sweet white gloved youths with their ribboned hats, post church feasts on tables set dazzling, baskets spilling over with sweetness. The yearlyness of it all lost on this often blind soul.

This year, THIS YEAR, I would be transformed. I would see with new eyes. I would deprive myself, bury the song of heaven, immerse myself in the dark to truly see the light.

God, well he gladly met me here. In my darkened state he softened my heart and adjusted the perscription of my glasses.

 And this, Christ, is the stunning irony:

    that their evil was made good in you! You knew our nature as children of wrath; you knew      exactly how we would choose; you put yourself in harm's way that our sin might kill you, that your death might redeem us even from our sinful nature!

    Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, and I grow dizzy thinking about it. All that I can say with certainty, but with everlasting gratitude, is --

Amen.

~Reliving the Passion by Walter Wangerin Jr.

Celebratory ADHD

Today, I can't write. I am too full of joy and party planning and people I love. I've got celebratory ADHD I can't seem to string together two words to create a cohesive sentence. However, I can sew, bake a cake and visions of the sweetest brown and pink jungle baby shower dance in my head while white, cold lifeless eggs stand at attention in the frig screaming to become masterpieces at the hands of my offspring.

My desk is strewn with handwritten notes, plans for our first Seder dinner, our first celebration of Passover and the goal is Wednesday night. We're doing Wednesday because that's the only day we can make it happen. This is a year of transformation and I'm learning to just make it happen, not so much make it perfect. But,I still keep checking and double checking how the whole thing is supposed to look.

My ADHD point here is God likes us to celebrate.

In all my Seder searching and studying I learned how many time Passover had to be reinstated, how many times they had to be reminded to go back to the basics and celebrate all God had done. Passover celebrated it's First Anniversary in Numbers 9 and we only make it to Deuteronomy 16 when it had to be restated as a command, the people had to be commanded to celebrate, to keep The Passover. It's Joshua 5:10-11 that the Passover is renewed by the Israelites upon entering Canaan. Ezra 6:19 and 20 talks about the Passover after they return from captivity. Hezekiah restored it in 2 Chronicles 30-32 and then there is another 400 year interruption when Josiah reinstates it in 2 Kings 23 and 2 Chronicles 35, it was lost again until Ezekiel 45:21-24.

We get lost a lot. Keenly aware of this, I couldn't hold back the thought, Why? when we get lost, do we lose our celebratory hearts. We do. We lose our gratitude. For me it lands me on the couch with a full bag of something that I eat more for the texture and act of eating than the flavor or fulfillment of the food. This is where depression sets in for me. It's a slippery slope. I'm grateful to have learned the signs of decline.

But, Jump into Joy, fill up my fun tank (as my folks used to always say) and there are more reasons to celebrate than there are days to plan.

Gratitude has made all the difference. God commanded. There are bitter bites of life all around me and some moments the reality of this fractured world tapes back my eyelids. Instead of gazing at him I take in searing pain all around me. It's a yoke I try to carry on my own. I'm so grateful he's given good direction on that bad habit too.

Well, thanks for following along on my ADHD post, I gotta go paint myself a Union Jack. Gotta make sure our American abode is properly attired for this little April 29th wedding. I've never attended a wedding in my p.j.'s before, it's sounding like a fun way to be a wedding guest. I do love a good wedding!

Celebrating:

891.
On the drive home The Man chastises himself for not getting my coffee at the store farthest from our house, "That way you have more time to enjoy without losing it and drinking it cold" cause once we hit our front door I set it down and cannot find it. And I laugh that he knows me well and loves me for it!


892.
Bones are healing and laying down calcium and she will be whole again.


893.
Celebrating -t- today and that in this whole wide world God planted them just 10 houses down the same street.


894.
Hanging wallpaper border and decorating the 'Girl Room' at my parents house.


895.
Wrapping up our shopping to recognize Mom's car in the parking lot and going back in the store to sneak up on her.


896.
Dad making his wise cracks and I laugh and He laughs and kids laugh. What a joy to laugh!


897.
Baking a birthday cake and visions of Grand Professional dance in my head and it is okay but my kids oooh and aaah like it was made by Duff and my eyes well that their precious love is blind.


898.
Mowing the yard so he comes home and the whole job is done.


899.
Walking past the butterfly garden and the movement of air disturbs the inhabitants and they flutter golden in the sun.


900.
The Beast in his 'Lifeguard' t shirt barking at the kids in the pool like he really is the lifeguard.